Aaah!

Not a very literary title, unless you are referencing Charlie Brown, but expressive of my mood recently. The past couple of days I have been feeling as if all my positive voices have deserted me and all my negative ones, which have been circling around, have taken roost in my head. My motivation has been nil and these gremlins are hounding me to “do something!” A weak supportive voice answers that I need some recovery time and my evil monkeys (as in from Wizard of Oz!) are growling “from what?!! From vacationing?!!!” How much time do you need?!!!”  Here I am, with my whole “go with the flow” advice, having trouble adhering to it myself. I have been observing other people’s talents and verve and wondering – how do they get there? Take a leap, I would imagine. I’ve been taking itty bitty steps, and perhaps after my big leap from a secure safety net of a State job into nothing, I have made a good start. But after 5 weeks, it just doesn’t seem to be enough any more. So, I am trying to balance myself out between being panicky and being a touchy-feely, go-with-the-flow soul. And trying to remember what I have been told and read – that when you have sown the seeds, you have to give them time to grow. But have I really done enough? Have I been watering them and nurturing them and watching them grow? Or is it a watched pot that never boils? Definite conflictual turmoil going on above and below. I guess at this point, I just have to hold on, do what it feels I need to do for my body, soul, and sanity. That has meant rest, rest, and more rest these past couple of days. Today, I think I can take a couple more tiny, wee steps in the direction of my heart. Thanks for being there!

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