No Apologies

I’ve been a little too concerned the last couple of days about being off track. What is going on with my project? Not much to speak of. I was contemplating going to a workshop about living the life of one’s dreams. Actually, agonizing over it. Since I wasn’t doing anything with my plans, perhaps going to a workshop with like-minded individuals would jump start me into action. But in my mind’s eye, I saw a bunch of mamsy-pamsy cool-aid drinking folks (probably mostly women) who were looking at me with a state of utter concern on their faces as I told them of my inaction woes. And I couldn’t take that. Plus the workshop was for a whole week – how would I bare gazing at my navel for that long when I could be actually getting focused on my project! Ultimately, what decided it for me was a conversation with a close friend who said “What do you need other people telling you what to do?” He hit a rare nerve. I do indeed NOT like people telling me what to do. In fact, just last week I had told my mom and sister that I really preferred listening to my internal voice at this point, which I felt I could trust the best. If nothing else that I have learned in my life, it is this: constantly struggling to be something I’m not does not bring happiness. Nor peace. And those are things I strive for. So, I am attempting to push away those loud obnoxious voices that speak of guilt, laziness, and all other negative ways of thinking that are not allowing me to be where I presently am and listen exclusively to those gentle, quiet voices that tell me that where I am now is where I supposed to be and to just enjoy the present (for it is a gift), and just be me. Truth be told, being me means being more than doing. Or rather, achieving. I do like to learn new things, so yes, in that way, achieving is nice. However, I do also need to balance out those exciting times with lots of rest and reflection. And keep away those threatening voices of doom that tell me I am procrastinating, fearful, and plain messing things up. Perhaps if I just accept myself with all my warts, I might come to a mystical magical place I have yet to encounter where all things are possible!

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