First of all, I would like to apologize to my loyal blog fans, who probably have thought I’ve fallen off the edge of the earth. Writing a blog leads to a quagmire of negativity in the brain. I wonder if what I am saying is too pedantic, too know-it-all like, or worse, too revealing! I mean, who am I to stand out there on my soap box and tell the world what it is, according to me! But, well, who am I not to. Everyone of us has a story and not only the right, but the need, and dare I say, obligation, to tell their tale. And this is how I chose to try doing it. I’m not sure if it’s working for me (hence, the long droughts), but I figured I’d come back for an encore anyway, and perhaps bring more of myself to light.
Truth is, I’m in the throes of despair. In a few short months, I will be homeless, of my own choosing. I have no absolute plan of action, just some vague ideas about spending a few months in Germany or perhaps heading to the Midwest for a healing retreat, should it actually take place, or just to visit friends. When I was a teen, I asked my mom when I would be happy. She revealed to me that there was no such thing as happiness, at least not total bliss all of the time. She added, I should stop overanalyzing everything and just start doing something. Needless to say, I was none too pleased with this announcement and have been on a ceaseless journey to prove her wrong ever since. Perhaps ultimately, she will prove to be right. But the search is not over yet! I’ve been reading The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent A Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin. Her personality is definitely more A type than I would ever want to strive for, however, I have found her insights rather, well, insightful. I have never paid much mind to positive thinking, even though I used to love reading Norman Vincent Peale’s books – the anecdotes were great but I could never imagine being able to just “think positively” when I have to admit, I was pretty depressed as a teenager! Gretchen brings up the whole “fake it till you make it” concept. She renames it “Act the way I want to feel.” This puts a more positive spin on things, since for me “fake it till you make it,” does not specify that you actually want to fake it or even make it! So, I’ve started to approach my activities that have lost some luster for me with a more joyful spring in my step, with anticipation that a fun and exciting adventure is about to take place. And you know, it actually has seemed to help! I’ve decided I need to apply this to my whole life, which is right now looking rather scary in its unknown state. Instead of looking at it grimly and thinking I need to get through a list of goals in order to make my future turn out “all right,” I want to see it as an ongoing adventure and try to accept the unknown factors and let them reveal themselves to me as they and I are ready for them. This is actually making me breathe a little easier and look forward to what comes next. I’ll try to be more faithful to keeping you in the loop as well, going forward. Thanks for listening and appreciating my words (of wisdom or otherwise!).