A Plague of Old Beliefs

So, I’ve been walking around the Hamilton downtown area in a burgundy gypsy skirt the last couple of days. The kind that has lots and lots of ruffles. This is rather out of my comfort zone because I wonder what other people think of my appearance. Do they think I’m a hobo or an actual gypsy or a crazy, eccentric lady? Well, what do you know, yesterday I got a compliment from a pretty girl in dreadlocks and one nostril pierced.Today I upped the ante by wearing two different colored socks – one light blue, the other navy. So far, no comments. But that really isn’t the point. The thing is I’m concerned about is how people judge me depending on my looks. But why worry? I don’t even know any of these people?! It also is a reminder to me to think twice before determining who a person is by the way they look. There are several girls sitting near me here in the library wearing hijabs or head coverings. Okay, so they are probably Muslim but beyond that what can I know about them? That they were forced to wear them? That it makes them feel safe to have their heads covered? That it is a matter of tradition that they are doing so? Or that they consciously wear such a covering as a way to honor Allah? Could be any of those reasons or more.

I am realizing while working on my one woman show how many restrictions I place on myself based upon what I’ve heard in the past: I should exercise every day during the week, I should dance at least two hours every day, I should work on my script at least a certain amount of time every day, etc. But do I really care about all that? Part of me does apparently, while another more enlightened part wants to let it all go and accept myself exactly as I am. So what if my steps are not totally eloquent or match the music exactly, that I repeat the same steps over and over – boring! So many critical thoughts in my head, it takes all the fun out of these preparations. This is what I wanted to be doing. But it seems to be one thing to dream of doing something and another to be smack dab in the mud of it, the mess, the chaos, the uncertainty. Aaaah!!!! It’s enough to make me wanna hightail it in the opposite direction! And then I think, “If I am not happy doing something I thought I wanted to do, will I EVER be happy?!!!” What a quagmire! Today, during meditation, I realized I should stop looking outward but rather look inside myself. What I saw was a tunnel full of red and yellow light, indicating an energy circuit. So I must be connected to something? But I couldn’t help the sorrow from welling up, because the tunnel was hollow and so it made me feel like I am empty inside. That all my reality is just connected to something else. Am I part of a matrix where I am being controlled or am I plugged into a Universal stream which is giving me many powerful cues to guide me toward enlightenment and happiness?

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