The Chicken or the Egg

Wow, my internal life is really shifting. Is it because I changed my external environment and started working towards some big goals? Or is it because I started shifting my thoughts and feelings some time ago that I am now feeling I can achieve whatever I want? Either way, being in this position is a challenge. But one I am up for!

I can see how much of what I do is based on fear. I started watching the animation film Inside Out last night, and was fascinated by how fear started to change the life of an eleven year old girl. I remember in my own life how that age was the cusp of puberty and how I went from feeling pretty confident and happy to becoming incredibly inhibited and depressed. And that somehow stuck with me for a long, long time. Now when I notice the fear, I realize I have a choice to act from fear or from love/joy.

Today I’m in a wonderful mood. Sun is out, there’s a lovely warmth, I just got a lovely Colombian coffee from the market and am heading to the library. Uh oh. I stop in my tracks as it occurs to me I had left the back door of the dance studio, which is on a fire escape, open. At first, I don’t want to go back at all. I don’t enjoy retracing my steps. But, I tell myself, it gave me the opportunity to enjoy the weather more. So, I’m carrying my coffee with me, when I realize it would be really weird for me to go into the café on the bottom floor with a coffee from somewhere else. I go into the back parking lot to see if I can reach the fire escape there. No, it’s fenced in. So I place my cup in a discreet location and go around into the café and up to the studio to close and lock the door. When I come back down, I decide to go out the back door. On the outside is an alley with a gate. I go up to the gate. There’s a printed sign saying to use the door only in case of emergency. Okay, so I go back to the back door and pull. It’s locked. That constitutes an emergency to me! Again at the gate, I press down on the latch and push. Something on the other side falls. Suddenly, I am on a building site. I pick through the potholes and pylons carefully until I get to the street. There’s a metal gate there but I look to the right and there’s an opening, so I walk towards it and suddenly I’m out. I walk by two guys, one wearing overalls who’s smoking kinda looks at me, like where did I come from, but doesn’t say anything and then I’m back in the parking lot, whisk up my cuppa joe, walk back to the street and towards the library. A little adventure in which I felt the fear and did it anyway!

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