It seems to be going around. A darkening of mood. Perhaps it’s the season. Darkening skies, less light. Into a more introspective season. For me, it came after an “epic” month in Germany, with highlights in the Netherlands and Switzerland. Back to reality. Time to get a new phone (since mine plopped into toilet water in Switzerland), new car (sold my old one back in June), part-time employment (can’t live on stagnant funds). In light of this sobering situation, I sought out enjoyment in former ways – a night of tango! My relationship with tango is complex – it is a reflection of my life and every dance event reveals my current level of self-confidence. And although I had some nice conversations with acquaintances and several dances, I left feeling unfulfilled and as I walked home, my thoughts got darker and darker until I contemplated suicide. But no, that wouldn’t work, because I was even more fearful about what it would be like after death. Would my soul still exist or would I be obliviated or…? My thoughts involved wondering what life was really about – I have lately believed life is the Matrix, where I am living in a computer game and everyone around me are just pawns or rather figments of my imagination. Sure, I could make the game anyway I wanted, but it was fake and I felt sooo lonely and that thought, that I was all alone in the world, was the most scariest of all!
I still am not sure what life is all about, but am speculating that it is what you make it. I am no satisfied with “playing” small, just coasting along tediously, until I die. But how do I “play” big? It seems so overwhelming. Not only because it feels out of my element, but also because I have a lot of interests and not sure which to pursue, since when I turn my attention to one, my passion crumbles under my gaze. Ideally, I would love to gather all my key passions in one glorious undertaking, even if it is ultimately a fatal one, a la Prayer for Owen Meany. As of now, in this moment, I don’t want to sit out any more. I will do what comes to mind, little steps, over and over, until Universe willing, it will all come together.